speak up for yourself

have you ever feel so confident at one point that you thought theres nothing can change your mind about this and the other point you get seriously in doubt about that.

ok fine. about being a doctor.

gaaa...

i am no longer sure if being a doctor is a perfect choice for me.

before this, when i heard people asking, why you want to be a doctor? i thought it was a ridiculous question. of course because i want to save lives.

and now i began to ask the question back, does being a doctor really about saving people's live?

do every doctor take medicine because they want to save people's live?

do i really want to save people's live when my own life is like another step into the grave.

theres some night when i am afraid to go to sleep because i fear what would happen f i dont wake up tomorrow?

have i really get myself ready for the afterlife? what will i look in the grave later?

more thought on this later k!

well, i found myself quite a bitch. cutthroat bitch. i got this one senior. he repeated his paper last year but now hes very successful in his med school at uk...

the BAD THING about me, i want to confess is, i used to view myself better than him. i said to myself, well i could do better than you.

but now i realize, what dumbasssssss i am! snob! arrogant! immatured!

i cant look down on people just because i think i can do better than them?

its SPITEFUL, DEMEANING and ridiculous!

i am sorry. i feel like i have done so many terrible things.

i have realized that i am no better than anyone else in this world.

back to the reason what is the real reason why i want to be a doctor???

ok let me make this clear.

i only love the challenge because of my young blood running in my vascular system.

theres couple of potential reason why people want to be a docto:

1) because he thinks hes freaking smart, and medicine is where smart people gathere.

-which rules me out..because i am not smart..i am just quite competitive in a certain terms.

2)because hes freaking hardworking

- which i am not. though my friends used to say i am hardworking but i dont believe in her. bullshit.

3)because he has a very lovely heart

-i cannot comment on this.

4)want to make lot of money

-which is, seriously not my objective here. come on...if u wanna make awful lot of money, go for business lah weh.....why torture yourself for something u can get easier

5)love os science.

-yeah right

6)passion

when i see doctors or surgeon working especially in private hospital made me depress. gosh. trapped in that building for the whole day?!! thats awful.

i need something adventurous.

will talk more about this later k.

gotta go.